The awareness that I need not give it all up, give in, although I can still surrender if I wish to do so, but in the way that one surrenders to an experience, to love, to the smell and being of a flower, not because of guilt. I did not go to yet another faraway meeting just to hold a friend's hand when actually she was being introduced to a professional. I did not at first understand that I needed to let her walk on her own and not be her muleta, but the fact is that when I decided, I am not going, and sent the email saying, I am available here, I can answer questions from here, it felt wonderful! I felt as though I needed to say, good job, and I kissed my own arm... this was sort of funny, but you would have had to have been there...
The same thing with the fact that the level of anger at my snapping back at my own true loves is out of sight, but this is one of the things that happens as one heals and becomes less ready to take abuse... I feel really really good.
I just printed out a schedule of meetings for Al-Anon and ACOA, and we are going this week to a first meeting. Recovery, here I come!
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