Loss

Every day I mourn the loss of my children; some days the loss is sharp as the pain of a burn or a new cut; I want to scream, sob, hide away, tear my clothing, die. I think about the offer of pills to ease the pain, but I cannot do this; somehow I feel that it is my pain to bear, to live with, and it will become easier, I pray in time it will not hurt so much.

Somewhere in between the lullabies and the home-made baby food, the nursing and the play and the kisses, I did or didn't do, something so that all of my babies have grown up with pain. I thought if I went to therapy, took them to therapy, was willing to withstand any amount of pain or abuse for them, they would be healed of the pain I grew up with, the gratuitous and casual cruelty in the house of my mother, and they would literally inherit the earth. But somehow, and yes of course I am being codependent and blaming myself, there is no one else here this morning in this room except the well-known pain which announced itself as soon as I came back from the bathroom, my love was not enough.

It is easy to blame the system which Jim always does, and surely some of this is aided by this cruel system that enshrines greed... but the sick part of me at heart says "You were not loveable. Your mother did not love you and most of your children have barely tolerated you."

When I get out of this mode, and I will, later today when I put on the activist robes, sometimes the pain is replaced by rage, but that is the sickest part of it. Anger helps me cope, it does the quid pro quo that is always thrown in my face, but right now, it very simply hurts. I have been wanting to sob, have been sobbing inside for the past hour.

With the children go the grandchildren; the pain is mine to bear, but I will not willingly put myself at the mercy of anyone again. The casual cruelty is true enough; the casual indifference is quite real, and possibly my needs and hopes are unreasonable, but they are what I have left... to be loved as I am for who I am, without needing to do anything else for anyone or bring anything to the table. But I will neither submit to emotional blackmail nor, goddess help me, perpetrate it on anyone else. This is what I have elected, and I stand by that.